After a month here I was hit by a sudden, staggering thought that unnerved me and made me realize how much I had unwittingly sacrificed by moving across the world on a whim. What I realized, very quickly after coming here was that I had always built my ‘home’ within people, not out of brick or wood.
All the warm fuzzy feelings associated with ‘coming home’ were chilled in a moment when I failed to picture a single home to go back too. My past homes were just a flip book of colored siding, yards and neighbors, speeding through my mind like a roulette spinner that never settled. Even the house I grew up sparked no feeling of comfort. I even realized that I would be more at home living by myself than in my parents house. While everyone else here was speaking longingly of returning to their home abroad, hanging out with their friends, reliving old times, my mind was shooting through all the houses, neighbors, roommates, and friends I’ve lived with during the last 6 years. The last 3 Christmas’s spread out around the world, 6 of the last 7 Thanksgivings spent with families of friends . Every year in college I lived a different place, with different combinations of people, except for 2 years in the Mitchell house. Two fantastic years but when I walked out of the house and threw the last load of stuff in my car I wasn’t sad. A house is always just a house. It was always my friends that made Bloomington home for me. It was the perpetually unlocked doors at the Mitchell house and always coming home to see different friends lounging on the couch between classes and always having someone to share moments, stories, and life with that made it home.
The worst part was to realize that many of those people who made life so bright and wonderful will not be there when I come back, and some have already gone. That in itself is not a new epiphany, it happens every year during college. It’s always sad to have friends leave home, but it’s usually only one or 2 at a time and while they can never be replaced, it is not too difficult to find 1 or a few people that can fill the void they left behind. It is one thing to struggle to find a new running partner or someone who loves dancing, it is impossible to even conceive finding alternates for everyone in your life. When I moved I left behind the closest friend group and best friends that I ever had in my life. I had cycling teammates and margarita rides, a stellar rock climbing group, dance fiends, party friends, physics partners, lab mates, co-workers, winos, foodies, road trippers, spontaneous adventurers, concert kids, book club folks, old friends, new friends and all the acquaintances that aren’t in any particular group but make life better by being around at the right moment . And most of all it is hard to even pretend to think about the possibility of finding anyone who can replace the incredible people who go beyond any group and are friends every day, all the time.
It’s frightening to realize that when I decide to leave Thailand, it won’t be to go home. Going back to the US still would mean starting life over from nearly scratch, just like any other country in the world. It makes perpetual travel pretty enticing.
That may have been a tad overdramatic. It’s just a lot to realize suddenly and exhausting to think about. I enjoy my life in Phuket and think that after a little more acclimation and time I will love it. I’ve already made some new friends here and am starting to feel more settled. I have one fantastic friend who I have more in common with than a lot of friends back home, despite being from different continents, and we have a blast doing everything from having coffee, teaching, snorkeling and partying to full out vacations. I also have a few good friends from an array of countries that I can count on for fun and support, tennis partners and scuba friends who I am growing closer too as time goes on. And I absolutely cannot take for granted the strong friendship that Issac and I still share, the countess dinnertime chats, weekend explorations, and finding strategic solutions to all the random issues that arise with learning how to survive in a foreign country.
I also still talk too many of my best friends back home on a regular basis and can’t put into words how happy and soothing it is to see your familiar faces, hear your voices, and laugh with you over the sometimes ridiculous, sometimes boring stories of our lives. It is always a highlight of the day and I am so appreciative of everyone who has been taking the time to keep in contact, even with the 12hr time difference! Your endless support has helped me stay sane and even happy through a really difficult few months. Much love especially to Jessi, Kurtis, Kaitlin, Steph, Rob, Kara, Michele, Glenn, Marcia, and Tom. You are all incredible people and it’s wonderful to know I still have great friends to come back too, even if you are all spread out around the US and world J
I love you all!