Like my Uncle Les used to say . . .

So much of poker is based on your mentality. It's about confidence and the way you mentally approach the game, every session, every hand. I wake up in the morning feeling fresh, sit down at the computer, and open up my tables. Five hands in and the morning's facade comes crashing down. All of the residual destructive forces that seemed to have disappeared over night  surface. You always try to leave poker alone when you shut down the computer for the day. But waking up everyday and getting crushed eventually wears down your ability to shake a bad day, because it feels like everyday is a bad day. All the losing starts nestling up inside you and transforming your mentality.

Last week I would start playing poker and immediately feel like a heavy weight boxer in a title match, but it wasn't my title match, no I was subbing in. I was a punching bag. I was the guy who had the line against him 11:1, that line was for me making it past round 6 - I'm not even sure they laid a line for me to win. That's what it feels like, like my only goal is to make it to round 12. Just be on my feet - it doesn't matter if I can't feel my face and I'm fighting six versions of the same guy, but only one of them seems to be tangible. My gloves feel like cinder blocks, too heavy to keep up. So I just stand there praying that the beating will end that I'll hear the bell and get to take a break. That's not a winning mentality. You can't win at anything with that mentality, because really, all you're trying to do is not lose as badly as you think you will - winning doesn't even seem to be part of the equation.

This is a graph of my "profits" (profits given in Big Blinds and not dollars) since arriving in Thailand and starting my stake. The green line is money won or lost, the blue line is money that is won or lost when we go to showdown (neither the villain nor I fold), the red line is money won or lost (usually lost) when either the villain or I fold. The little straight black line at the top of the graph is the zero marker - I've been dive bombing out of control since my arrival. This is the sort of  trouncing that starts affecting your whole life.

Last week my staker and I talked about what was going on after I sent him that graph. That is not a graph of a winning player. That is not a graph of someone who is utilizing their perceived edge in the game. 

That is the graph of someone who is getting soul crushed. We use that term in poker "soul crush." I don't think I've been on this side the the battle field before, but it really does permeate through your entire life. It sucks at your soul.

Waking up only to  be reminded that you are terrible at what you do is a hard thing. Then, having to do it and walk away from it like nothing happened is even harder, but you have to do it if you want any happiness in your life. So my staker and I talked. We were honest with what we saw and we've decided to give it a rest. Take an extended holiday, while I get my feet under me at my new job. I can't imagine a better thing to do. My staker has been a stand-up guy the whole time, something that shouldn't be taken for granted in the gambling world. It's not over for us, but something inside me needs to reset. I'd like to make his money back for him. I'd like to get back into poker - I love the game. But as things stand I'm taking a breather, so I'll see you later "you secret handshaking assholes." (Rounders Quote)